one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize