I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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