My liver just broke up with me...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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