Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize