I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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