Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
