dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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