Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
