Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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