I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize