We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
