He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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