I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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