A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
