I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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