whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
