Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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