Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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