i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
