I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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