I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
