hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
