the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
