my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize