He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
