my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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