I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
