who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
