he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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