Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
