my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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