What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
