You made me cry and you don't even care
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
