I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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