i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
