I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
