Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
