11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
