Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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