You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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