you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
