also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
