I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
