i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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