How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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