You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize