this just has baby written all over it
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
All the doctor said was why
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
