can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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