I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
