if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize