Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
