Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
