If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
