This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
