I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
