Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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