he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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