No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
