I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
