Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
