I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
