I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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