I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize