those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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