I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
