my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
